End of Semester

Well this semester has been the toughest one yet. I had a total melt down in my economics course during my first midterm. I totally forgot everything! The horrible part of my condition is the fact that when I got my exam back my answers were complete gibberish. As I read over the exam questi0ns I could answer each one of them accurately and completely, but whoever was out during the test didn't know a thing. This is one of my worst nightmares about school. I will have to take this class again in the fall.

Because I have been so out of control for the last month, and the outpatient therapy was so disruptive to my life I have made the decision to enter an intense inpatient program this summer. I had a difficult time trying to find a inpatient clinic that seemed like a match. I have called over a dozen hospitals in Boston, Washington D.C., Florida, Louisiana, Michigan, Texas, and California. I finally made the decision to go to the hospital in Los Angeles.


They have a DID ward that had available beds, and their therapy program will either kill me or really change things in my life. I leave this Friday, May 2nd to admit myself. My son has agreed to come live at my house to take care of my dogs, so I have one less thing to worry about. I now just need to get past a couple final projects for school and one final exam. I am hoping that I can keep things together and pull off some decent grades to make up for the "E" in my economics class. It is overwhelming trying to deal with school and preparing to be admitted to a mental institution at the same time. I am not sure how long I will be at the hospital. The nurse who conducted the intact interview said to plan on at least 4-6 weeks. That means that I will need to have all my bills and stuff taken care of for at least the next couple of months, as I will not have contact to the outside world. I am scared to death. But I am not one to shy aware from the difficult things in my life, and I do have a knack for rising to the challenge. Onward and Upward.

Finding that I am not Alone

One thing that I do when confronted with challenges or obstacles in my life is to seek out information and increase my knowledge on the matter at hand. With my DID this will forever be an ongoing exercise. I have currently sought out books written by others who have my same condition in order to gain perspective on dealing with the many challenges of life w/DID. The first book that I finished was 'First Person, Plural' by Dr. Cameron West. I don't remember ordering this book, but it showed up not too long ago on my doorstep. The strange thing about this book is that Dr. West ends up seeking therapy in the same city in California that I was first diagnosed, and where my ex-spouse still lives. It has been hard reading Dr. West's story because his wife did not just walk out of his life like my partner did. How things would be different if he would have stayed to help me through all this shit. (pardon my french). My quest for knowledge will continue, as I continue my college education as well as research on DID. I am not alone afterall. Onward and Upward.

A date

As part of my condition, relating and connecting with other people is almost an impossibility. Last night I actually went on a date, which is awkward I would guess with any 44yr old, but more so for me. This guy I went to dinner with actually approached me at the gym and asked me out. This was a first in my life, and even though I would guess (and later confirm) that he was half my age, he was damn cute and the whole episode was flattering. I readily accepted his invite, not at all playing coy.

One of the pleasures I have in life is good food. Since moving back to SLC, good food has been as scare as good company. We decided to go to dinner at Cucina Tuscana, which I had enjoyed previously. The placed was busy, as it was last time I had been there, which is always a good sign. When the waiter came over and asked if we would like something to drink, my date asked for the wine list and proceeded to choose a bottle of wine for us. This was a first for me, as I have always been the more aggressive in these situations. The part of me that needs to be in control, or I feel out of control. Overall the food was good, and the conversation flowed. Until, as I was talking about something, my date interrupted me and asked if I everything was alright. Puzzled, I said yes and asked why. He replied that he felt as though he has been talking to two different people tonight, and felt very uncomfortable. Needless to say at this point I was scared to death. I tried my best to explain that I was okay, and apologized that I made him uncomfortable. We finished up our meals, and he said he just wanted to go home. I drove him back to his place and we talked for a few minutes inside my truck. He said I was a cute guy and very friendly, but he really would rather not go out again. I thanked him for a pleasant evening, and said goodnight. I drove home shaking in a cold sweat and crying like a baby. This was the fourth person this year that I had met and who had told me that they didn't feel comfortable being around me. What can I do to fix me!!!!!

Life with DID

At the last minute I decided that I needed to have this blog about the challenge of living and trying to survive in life while coping (or not coping as is my current case) with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Coping and functioning with a disability requires overcoming unique challenges. The class lectures this semester about blogging with a disability initiated my thinking about making my final project about my own disability.
War on WoMen-Domestic Violence (11-04) Photoshop CS

This blog will hopefully provide insight for those unfamiliar with this condition, and support for those like me that suffer from DID. DID was formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder, and is considered one of the most challenging mental disorders to diagnose and treat. The condition has effected every aspect of my life, and has made it impossible for me to cope with everyday aspects that most people take for granted. There are great online resources that outline the legal aspects regarding some of the challenges that people with DID have to cope with handling both work and school.

One of the most positive things that I have done though is get myself back to college to complete my degree. The rigors of class work have been a daunting challenge to say the least. The effort it takes for me to be around other people at this time is emotionally devastating. I have not had the extensive therapy to identify all the alter personalities that reside within my mind, but know that I have only a few of these alters that can successfully deal with the challenges of school. If these personalities choose not to come forward on any particular day, then my time spent in class is wasted for that day. The memories of my life are fragmented within my mind, and none of my personalities have access to full range of stored memories. One can imagine if during a test or exam if you could not access the memories of what was covered in the classroom. I think I have roughly ten to twelve different personalities that make up the whole me. That means within my mind, there are ten to twelve sets of memories that are separated from each other. Onward and upward.